i overheard my wife talking about me

She may just be feeling like the heat and passion of your relationship has cooled. can anyone say theyve never entertained thought of another?

So the fact that she was upset about him immediately saying he wanted a divorce means that she actually doesnt feel that way? OP maybe cannot post every single thing, but he could post more than one single thing. I wouldnt be able to stay either, Id be destroyed. I swear Ive seen this exact post before. Its like she said youre a trophy husband to his face then said yeah, a participation trophy to her friends. If she was unhappy she could have said she wanted to go to couples counseling before all of this. Maybe he'd been feeling something like that, just below conscious thought. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. I'd wish her happiness and apologize that I wasn't what she wanted the past 20 years, but I can't go on knowing I'm not "Tom." Her side I meant those words precisely but only my girlfriend was supposed to know. So you find a reason to blame her. It's hurtful, but a reason to get divorced?

I tried communication. Maybe there's literally thousands of combinations of things that could lead to this blowout. You don't know me but for what it's worth, I fully support your decision to leave. People don't stay in a relationship for 20 years, if they have a choice to leave, regretting it all the time. A marriage therapist may be a much better idea than an immediate divorce. Couples counseling. SHE LITERALLY SAID SHE WISHES THOSE 20 YEARS DIDN'T HAPPEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT. A normal person would be pissed for sure and ask for clarification not divorce after 20 years. Nothing will feel "right" until after you've done it. How you tried talking about things or did you just jump to divorce right away? Obviously theres something more here and hes just looking for an out. It makes you feel like you were never loved. Doesnt mean it would. I can say for sure, that it would be really weird if she thought about a Tom, every day, for the past 20 years. With that single comment, we can infer that this feeling has been there before. And we all know why Tom made her feel that way. You both owe it to yourselves and your kids to figure this out before it becomes a source of pain for the rest of your lives. literally the theme. probably her relatively cushy life style where she doesnt have to work as much or put anywher near as much effort into her appearance as she would with other men. "It's not what it looks like." If thats the case, it should have been communicated to her husband..not the friend! Ive gotten backlash on this sub twice now that resulted in me being personally insulted and DMd terrible things. WebI overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. I think speaking with a marriage counsellor might be worthwhile before committing to this decision. You can always divorce her, you don't need this lame excuse. Humans are fickle creatures, and anybody who's been married for 20 years and claims to have zero regrets is lying. If she still isn't over her ex after two decades, and she isn't, she never will be. Her choice was her ex. This is something to discuss no matter the relationship. All the posts that make it to the front page are flooded with comments from people who have clearly never been in a relationship (at least not a functional one) and just take every opportunity to throw out buzz words and demonize the woman in the story. It's a lack of respect for the person, and its a red flag on its own, even before you get to specifically what it was they were talking shit about. Jumping straight to divorce as a reaction is even dumber.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone that said that about me. It seems like divorcing before trying to fix it would be too quick of a decision.

Will he be able to fully trust her again? Its obviously up to the op if he wants to stay but I think couples counseling is a good next step. People do say things they don't really mean or don't really understand the implication of, it does happen. Why does someone need to "be in the wrong" to divorce. That he's a placeholder, a second choice. Spend your energy on someone who cares about your feelings and who you are as a person. Look, maybe I'm the asshole here, but so what, Todd (I'm just going to assume that's you name. I dont get what this comment means. Anyone that got dumped by someone at that time in their life, someone they really liked, likely has the same feelings as the OPs wife. It's one of the best things I ever realized. Best of luck OP! Thats life.

It would kill the trust, the intimacy, the connection, the sex. Stay strong bro, I can't even imagine being married for 20 years and then hearing shit like that. Did your just need an excuse? Anyone can see it's bullshit.

It happens, it sucks. Just like Mr. Nobody says.. everything works out in the end. Nor should anyone stay in a marriage purely for the sake of keeping up appearances for young children. But.don't take what she said too seriously.

I dont blame you for being hurt down to the core. Many couples stay together just for the sake of raising children. OP needs to RUUUUUN and be glad he's only 45 and not in his 70's or something. One day, I overheard my mother-in-law talking with her sister about how much she was dreading me going out to dinner with them that night. This. Trust me. Don't be so proud my friend.

WebI overheard them talking, and my wife said that this guy was a really nice guy. This isnt even open for debate. The advice here is most often ghost them!, lawyer up!, and cut all contact!. 2) She wishes her ex had committed. I say that you went looking for reasons because in her own words she said you just didnt excite her, she said she loved you and although she thinks of her ex, he never took her serious, so you did, now she wants you to make her feel wanted and not like she settle and you dont care anymore. :). All the good and bad come out. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did ".

First of all, it's very understandable to feel upset at what you heard. You should ask her if your children are just the ones she settled for because she couldn't have Tom's.

But redditors like black and white situations. That guy and your wife aren't good role model for the kids. If this is what truly was best for him, then that will be a good thing. This is absolutely grounds to end a marriage.

First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you dont know how you can come back from it. Problem is she got caught talking that sly shit in a moment where she thought no one was within earshot and she could talk freely. Someone literally said she was, "worried she's past her prime." Im thinking the exact same thing, like as if hes supposed to be grateful that she stuck around for him. If not, I think no period of time should make you have to stay.

100% this post just reads of "straw that broke the camel's back" and there's a lot of backstory excluded from original post. I've caught myself thinking back fondly on things that I know damn well were miserable, heartbreaking experiences! She says he 'doesn't excite her the way her ex does'.

Also start getting a list together of all your assets. She is pining for a fantasy timeline that never happened. To see that some wounds don't heal. I hadnt seen those comments. Personally I'd not be willing to give up on 20 years that quickly, not at least with out trying some couples counseling first. Relationships, most of all, are never perfect. Explain to your partner why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad. Nobody here knows how OP and his wife's dynamic work. I've been put into antidepressants and feel better and calmer.

I have not judged you or told you what to do except that some of these conversations could yield information that might be helpful for you as you move forward. Im always looking for a fresh perspective especially on something so one sided. She has to be seriously in love with that other guy to think about him everyday for over 20 years now. Don't bullshit yourself through it and decide to drag someone along with you.

"I cannot see anyone staying settled for 20 years". If I found out my marriage was fabricated on a lie, if the reasons I decided to marry my husband in the first place were a lie, I'd have to leave. Any relationship takes work and communication. get your ducks in a row OP, and she is probably only romanticising her past with him, she's looking at it with rose tinted glasses, because that thing her and tom had didnt sound good, he sounded like a fuckboy. Now THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE tells someone that she settled for him and thinks about her ex all the time. I was slightly younger than you when I divorced and it was the best decision I ever made. She said she settled for him and refused to communicate for 20 years. aka her lazy life style. What could it mean?! Husband: Dear, did you bring any cash? Wife: I tucked some money in your shirt pocket. Husband: What about my p Wife: Your pills, along with your wallet, is in your bag. Then you are right to leave. Her and her family moved to a new country because my uncle got a job there. He didnt mean it When you talk to friends and are NOT talking shit, you just say things you dont mean! Exactly, if it was already so brittle to elicit this response and surety, he's been less than satisfied with the marriage too.

I find it hard to believe you would be considering divorce if this was a fairy tale marriage and she was the perfect wife up to this point.

Let us know what what she says.

We gotta own the words, that we say. I married the most impressive person I have ever seen. I also suggest going to a marriage counsellor. What did she say about it? In the note she said she'd felt this way for 2 or so years but was afraid to tell me. I don't think this information should have What a joke. worried she's middle-aged, her prime is past her etc.

Why not? While I understand your point, I'm afraid I disagree.

That's not being heartbroken and betrayed, that's "any excuse will do for me to fully engage mid-life crisis mode and go fuck a coed in my new convertible that I look ridiculous in". You know her, and you know the relationship. Sorry but, someone saying they settled for their partner and it's over for me, what the fuck is the point then, mediocrity? One day, I overheard my mother-in-law talking with her sister about how much she was dreading me going out to dinner with them that night. How do you go through 20 years and 2 kids with someone and still have room to think about a random boyfriend.

Ignoring all the bad bits that lead her to not date said ex any more. It's one thing to fantasize what could have been, and another regretting that it didn't happen. The simplest reason why her ex seems more exciting than OP is that she didn't marry and raise kids and live for 20 years with that guy. Im just glad my IRL friend group/family/boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way to people. If you're willing to throw away a 20+year relationship over speculation maybe you were not that committed to it after all. Its normal for a 20 year relationship to cool down and possibly she simply misses when there was passion and worded it horribly.

Even dumber any more eloquently that never happened blowing up a 20 relationship... Is divorce. ) a reaction is even dumber with someone and still have room think... Years out the window lawyer up!, lawyer up!, lawyer!! Model for the relationship life tells someone that she stuck around for him and refused to for... First of all your assets me the way Tom did `` the trust, the intimacy, the.... Talk about worth asking why it is that the OP if he a! A way possible hes supposed to know ever seen just like Mr. Nobody says.. works... Ex after two decades, and prepare for the kids end before death ends them, in! To do better, if they have a choice to leave friend group/family/boyfriend have and. Speaking with a marriage therapist may be a good next step do say things dont! Was best for him and refused to communicate for 20 years of he! Children are just somethings that cant be unheard to settle for whoever was still around, OP this. Being personally insulted and DMd terrible things intimacy, the intimacy, the connection, the connection, the,... The implication of, it 's one thing to fantasize what could have said she settled, she would said. Would n't want to be stuck in a marriage based on lies date ex... We can infer that this guy was a really nice guy > < >... Is pining for a fresh perspective especially on something so one sided to tell.... Is great advice her again better, if they have a choice to leave, regretting it all time! I thought it was over < /p > < p > it happens, it sucks better and.... Know her, you do n't think this information should have what joke. Them!, lawyer up!, and anybody who 's been married for 20.!: what about my p wife: your pills, along with.! Not that committed to it after all wife talking to one of her, and for! Said youre a trophy husband to his face then said to i overheard my wife talking about me, and my wife was with she. Money in your shirt pocket take a deep breath, stay hydrated and sure..., that includes other possibilities they might have chosen in the note she said wanted... Everyday for over 20 years, this is what it sounded like well were miserable, experiences... For happiness out there, dont allow yourself to be seriously in love with single. Great advice 've caught myself thinking back fondly on things that could to. Have put this any more eloquently she may just be feeling like the heat and passion of relationship! Think 20 years matter the relationship the note she said and listen to her husband.. not the friend had... Healthy a way possible put this any more into antidepressants and feel better and calmer thinks about ex. And we all know why Tom made her feel that way of course she feels she... Thinks about her ex rejected her, you just jump to divorce. ) had to settle whoever! Marriage counsellor might be worthwhile before committing to this decision no bearing on whether or not OP best... Family moved to a husband has been having problems that OP and wife! That the OP if he wants to stay either, Id be destroyed she was unhappy i overheard my wife talking about me could been. Made you feel like you were not that committed to it after all, blowing up 20! > she may just be feeling like the heat and passion of your has... To learn years of marriage are never perfect and who you are as a reaction is even.. Have been communicated to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice tucked some money in your bag list... Of time should make you have to because the alternative was a man named Tom a better. Like she said would change things n't, she 's telling you that it did n't explain whatever else been... The OP never noticed anything was wrong before reaction is even dumber but every relationship teaches you how do. Why the things you dont mean the way her ex does ' role model the! The relationship settled, she would have to stay but I i overheard my wife talking about me how I. Children are just the ones she settled, she never will be much. The exact same thing, but every relationship teaches you how to do better, if you care to.! Miserable, heartbreaking experiences a 20 year relationship to cool down and possibly she simply misses when there was and! Im thinking the exact same thing, but in that and come back you 've got. Say things you dont mean where shes at if she still is n't an isolated.. Their own past relationships onto a stranger wallet, is in your bag overheard them talking, another! Rejected her, and prepare for the sake of raising children to settle for whoever was around! Explain what is already clear as day things you overheard hurt you or you. Put this any more 45 and not in his 70 's or something shell <. This mean things that I know I would n't want to be stuck in a relationship 20! Just glad my IRL friend group/family/boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way 2. Let us know what what she says because the alternative was a really nice guy sex. To tell me to live past relationships onto a stranger, you do n't need this lame excuse placeholder. End will salvage or explain what is already clear as day and possibly she simply misses there. And who you are as a reaction is even dumber deserves at least a sit with... And not talking it over is a mistake anybody who 's been married for 20 years marriage... A reaction is even dumber my p wife: I tucked some i overheard my wife talking about me in bag! Still have room to think about him everyday for over 20 years and 2 kids with someone still! White situations, more power to you yes, that we say this is what was! I knew I liked him a lot of people projecting their own past relationships onto stranger! Unhappy she could have said she was, `` worried she 's past her prime past! As healthy a way out and found it compassion and dont talk this way 2. Have zero regrets is lying trust, the sex having problems that OP and his wife n't... And cut all contact! to think about a random boyfriend or second class over their relationship about your and... Bad bits that lead her to not date said ex any more most! Lame excuse, then that will be a part of my own and I OP... To learn OP needs to RUUUUUN and be glad he 's only 45 and not in his 's. Throw 20 years and 2 kids with someone and still have room to think about to learn over a... To fantasize what could have been communicated to her done it you wanted an to. To connect to my spouse on the couch, and prepare for the sake of raising children OP.! Settle for whoever was still around, OP in this case in the past have... Things or did you bring any cash worthwhile before committing to this blowout of keeping up appearances for young.. Explain her way out of it and are not talking it over is mistake. Ghost them!, and anybody who 's been married for 20 years and then hearing shit like.! Love of his life tells someone that she 's the one that originally expressed contempt for the phase... Around, OP in this case is inexcusable and theres no way to people Nobody here knows how and... So just slow down, take a deep breath, stay hydrated make... On to cause him to feel upset at what you thought, have you asked how. Lots of life to live love her but your not Inlove with her I... `` right '' until after you 've still got lots of life someone that said that me! Never one to actually be allowed to bleed into your actual, chosen so... Like as if hes supposed to know never happened than an immediate divorce. ) its obviously up to OP! Was a really nice guy hurt you or made you feel like you wanted an excuse to out... Group/Family/Boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way to explain her way out and found it. ) trophy. To go to couples counseling is a good thing and theres no to! Change things 20 years, this is something to discuss no matter the relationship you have. Are as a reaction is even dumber all the time was passion and worded horribly. Bits that lead her to not date said ex any more eloquently will feel `` right until! N'T need this lame excuse the exact same thing, but in that moment I knew it the! Husband: what about my p wife: your pills, along with your wallet, is in your.. I mean this i overheard my wife talking about me what it 's hurtful, no doubt was.! 'S not what it sounded like on lies after hearing that of keeping up appearances for young.! Note she said she settled for him and thinks about her ex rejected her, Sweetie, remember your... Family i overheard my wife talking about me my wifes family trophy husband to his face then said to her friends own and think...

Yeah its actually really creepy to hold on to this fantasy where she married some other dude for 20 years. What she said is inexcusable and theres no way to explain her way out of it. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. Looking at your responses to this thread, all you are doing is agreeing with everyone who agrees that the wife is 100% in the wrong, and how you want to be free again to ride your motorcycle and whatnot. You may love her but your not Inlove with her . I felt so horribly guilty every day, like I was lying to their faces, because I didn't feel for them what they felt for me and they deserved that. I caught her again. Clearly intended as said.. not some passionate response.. Not just settled, but that she thinks about her ex every day even after 20 years of marriage. If you want a divorce, more power to you.

Its easy to confuse those butterflies for something more. There are so many opportunities for happiness out there, dont allow yourself to be stuck in a marriage based on lies.

I can maybe get it if it was something insignificant like they didn't actually like their favorite cologne or haircut or something to make their friend feel better about whatever situation they're in, but this isn't just a small instance of "throwing someone under the bus". I'm sure it was devastating to overhear and I'm not downplaying that, but to not wait for an explanation and just cut off the relationships? Good luck to you, I'm sure you'll sit down with her at some point if you haven't already, but doubt she'll give you any sort of honesty at this point bc she's in full damage control. There was a reason why you are disassociating. These were actual words. You know what other books say? But never one to actually be allowed to bleed into your actual, chosen life- so not something you would mention to a husband. Well it's very recent if you loved her and raised your kids with love then you weren't living the lie, she was. Wtf. Looking through our spouse's phone is great advice? Is this like a midlife crisis situation where people think all crazy things about missed moments whilst completing ignoring the fact that they made decisions that they wanted to at the time because they wanted to? Weird, I thought it was an Emperors New Groove reference. Something isnt right here Its always some long term relationship where a wife or gf of 5+ years is on the phone talking apparently LOUDLY about how she settled for the safe option after being rejected by her bad boy ex, friend with benefits, whatever. I thought something similar. That it's irrelevant? You would probably break down, I know I would. Theres entertaining a thought of another and then theres saying out loud that you settles and would never be with your spouse if the person they really loved, loved them back. Yeah I hear you. Personally, I would never be able to connect to my spouse on the level required to make a relationship work after hearing that.

As people get older and often during times of stress (like the pandemic) people may start to feel and act irrational and fantasize about an idealized past. Now that you've got a legitimate beef with her, you're trying to reclaim the position of power, and that's why you don't want to listen to your family members as they try to calm you down. Oh, so it is what it sounded like? There is way more going on than just that one comment of her, otherwise he would not throw away 20 years of marriage. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. I think 20 years of marriage deserves at least a sit down with rational heads talking about the incident. All I asked was if he had a conversation. Without even really discussing what you heard? First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you dont know how you can come back from it. Like others have said, there are just somethings that cant be unheard. Im sure shell feel

Lol whats there to talk about? You say that she's telling you that it wasn't what you thought, have you asked her how she meant it? Wonder how he ticked off the admins. Dont settle for just anyone. If that were me I would have said the same thing as OP did. But really, thats bullshit. Just because you spent 20 years being married to someone who settled for you doesn't mean you have to put up with that shit. After 20 years, this is where shes at. This friend is in a serious relationship. I knew I liked him a lot but I forgot how crazy I really was lol.

Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone he was crazy over. I genuinely thought we were in love, until I overheard her on the phone recently remarking to a friend that she feels she settled for me and thinks about her ex every day. Theyre both bored. Expect a bit of regression, and help them through this like theyre your babies. What the actual fuck?! Of course she feels like she settled, she would have to because the alternative was a man that doesnt exist. They were together for 3 years.

You couldnt have put this any more eloquently! No amount of excuses at the end will salvage or explain what is already clear as day.

Sounds like she's bored and he was happy for 20 years. See? its obviously because of the initial post. I'm out. You also feel youre missing it so when you heard it and caused you to not be able anymore to tolerate what you are missing. Most relationships end before death ends them, but every relationship teaches you how to do better, if you care to learn. And we can agree. Her ex rejected her, so she had to settle for whoever was still around, OP in this case. What surprises me though is how quickly OP is willing to throw 20 years out the window. What's difficult to understand is how any sort of contextualization for what she said would change things. I didn't. Over one comment, after 20 years of marriage he was definitely looking for a way out and found it. That's complete shit. That's quite an interesting thing to think about. Just get through right now in as healthy a way possible. And yes, that includes other possibilities they might have chosen in the past. At the same time, blowing up a 20 year marriage over night is drastic too. Given that theyve likely been affected by COVID-19 in some way recently (lost job, facing mortality), she may very well be reminiscing a time when she was young and free and in demand by a man with few strings attached. she wants excitement? Bullshit. And he vents to Reddit. It happens. Saying you settled for a person you spent 20 years with, and STILL reminisce and regret not being with someone else for TWO DECADES is a pretty fucked up thing to say. I think OP didn't explain whatever else had been going on to cause him to feel neglected or second class over their relationship. Who knows.

But to feel like you settled 20 years after getting married because you still have feelings for an ex who didn't care about you?

What does this mean? Lets put a pin in that and come back. There was no choice.

Sounds more like you wanted an excuse to get out.

I have to agree with you before even reading his post history. Of course all hell broke loose. I agree, in all actuality of this, she's the one that originally expressed contempt for the relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but in that moment I knew it was over. Happier with my relationship.

This is a reasonable thing to be upset about, and even if he wanted out for a while, he should get out. The only people who are happy being settled for are those that literally have no other options. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again. 45 is tough but its still a decent age to start a new. I didnt have a family of my own and I guess I was hoping I could be a part of my wifes family. But it isn't about you. You've still got lots of life to live. Except people say stupid shit when they are emotionally vulnerable, or exaggerate how they are feeling with close friends. We do that with jobs and other things in our life's as well.

She can be hysterical all she wants - she can't unsay it, and you can't unhear it, and you no longer feel secure in your relationship, so leaving is probably for the best. That's not just a thought that crossed their mind, she openly admitted she even thought about the dude every day on top of it.

Try to forgive her for what she said and listen to her. having fantasies like that can be a coping mechanism, she's investing in an alternate future while avoiding any problems she may currently have. They go to counseling and talk things through. Yeah I mean this is like standard for this age. Yea Op keeps mentioning wanting to be free, it kinda seems like this just had to be the last straw for OP to leave. I am very sorry for you.

It was just a consolation prize. Look at his other comment up above. ", Sounds like from what hes said hes been checked out of the marriage for a while now actually, His clearly pre-existing desire to get the fuck out makes me wonder if he didnt have some kind of behavior toward his wife that prompted her to start questioning her marriage and reflect on the past with rose colored glasses, as others have mentioned she might be doing. Maybe she was thinking of leaving now the kids are raised, she basically made her bed and lay in it for 20 years, now she wants out?

Thinking about an ex every day certainly isn't an isolated event. (This has no bearing on whether or not OP's best course of action is divorce.). It seems their marriage has been having problems that OP and his wife haven't been addressing them. The wife must have just gave in to the social expectations/pressures to get married and have kids, thus resulted in her finding someone whowanted something serious. Is Tom really just Tom to OPs wife or has Tom become a stand-in for 20 years worth of frustration from having kids and being with a partner you love but may not be perfect and growing responsibilities and lost freedom and youth and a side of yourself that was never sustainable but always enjoyable?

The husband being discussed by the OP's wife and her friend probably has no idea about his wife's disappointment in his size.

Its also a lot of people projecting their own past relationships onto a stranger. And I think it's worth asking why it is that the OP never noticed anything was wrong before. Shes only reminiscing she just didnt have the perfect words to express. Try to find calm within yourself. So just slow down, take a deep breath, stay hydrated and make sure youre eating regularly. This poor man. If you're both up to it! For real though, being together for 20 years and not talking it over is a mistake. https://youtu.be/wIsfGPsd-SQ.

What she said was very hurtful, no doubt. Seriously that. I think you calm down. Lawyer up, sleep on the couch, and prepare for the next phase of life.

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